9 Ways of Marrying the Wrong Person
I was cleaning out my email when I ran across this forward. Now if you know me well enough, you will know that I don’t care too much for these types of emails. I think reading forwards is a waste of precious time especially with the dial-up download rate I’m stuck with. But because recently a number of close friends have been wrestling with the thought of marriage, I thought this piece might be a bit of use. This commentary is especially dedicated to the girl confused because everything is going her way, the lovely lady who is reconciling with her ex, the jobless-but-thrilled-bride-to-be, and the guy who has just hooked up with yet another one of the girls of his dreams. Good luck to all, and may I present…. 9 Ways of Marrying the Wrong Person by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A. It's lengthy so if you get tired, stop reading. If you don't, read on. Simple right?
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married. The classic mistake: NEVER MARRY POTENTIAL. The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he/she is now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, you actually can expect people to change after they’re married… for the worst! So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the I’m in love syndrome. I’m in love often means I’m in lust. Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character? Here are 4 character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: does this person believe that doing the right thing is more important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him?
Kindness: does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does he/she treat people he/she doesn’t have to be nice to? Does he/she do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: can I depend on this person to do what he/she says he/she’s going to do?
Happiness: does this person like him/herself? Does he enjoy life? Is he/she emotionally stable? Ask yourself: do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him/her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn’t get it. Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved – to feel that she is the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in Judaism’s approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, men have two speeds: on and off. Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and priorities. There are 3 basic ways we connect with another person:
· chemistry & compatibility
· share common interests
· share common life goals
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re living for while you’re single – and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate – two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values, and goals.
5. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask Do I respect and admire this person? This does not mean Am I impressed by a Mercedes? We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by the qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. You should also ask: Do I trust this person? This also means is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
6. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful, and relaxed with this person? Can I fully express my self with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who makes you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There’s a big difference between controlling and making suggestions. A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
7. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t be vulnerable, then you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
8. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You’ll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
9. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To be triangulated means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, internet, hobbies, sports, or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that’s no basis for a marriage.
Ok people, got it? Now say thanks to Rabbi Rov!
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married. The classic mistake: NEVER MARRY POTENTIAL. The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he/she is now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, you actually can expect people to change after they’re married… for the worst! So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the I’m in love syndrome. I’m in love often means I’m in lust. Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character? Here are 4 character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: does this person believe that doing the right thing is more important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him?
Kindness: does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does he/she treat people he/she doesn’t have to be nice to? Does he/she do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: can I depend on this person to do what he/she says he/she’s going to do?
Happiness: does this person like him/herself? Does he enjoy life? Is he/she emotionally stable? Ask yourself: do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him/her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn’t get it. Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved – to feel that she is the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in Judaism’s approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, men have two speeds: on and off. Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and priorities. There are 3 basic ways we connect with another person:
· chemistry & compatibility
· share common interests
· share common life goals
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re living for while you’re single – and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate – two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values, and goals.
5. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask Do I respect and admire this person? This does not mean Am I impressed by a Mercedes? We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by the qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. You should also ask: Do I trust this person? This also means is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
6. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful, and relaxed with this person? Can I fully express my self with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who makes you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There’s a big difference between controlling and making suggestions. A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
7. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t be vulnerable, then you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
8. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You’ll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
9. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To be triangulated means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, internet, hobbies, sports, or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that’s no basis for a marriage.
Ok people, got it? Now say thanks to Rabbi Rov!
posted by ange @ 5:42 AM
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